feels a tad like my people are expecting one of these.
undoubtedly you know i would've written about a thousand in my head by now, carelessly rationed out for every thought.
not quite.
not that i haven't, distant elegies stretching for eons.
but i feel decent.
i feel fine.
i am fine.
and i know, i do that thing i always do
scare and worry
therefore transgressing into poor fragile tara
you all tip-toe around me
and i talk to those who i shouldn't
sorry
i was angry
and she looked me in the eye
sorry
and for when i was being plain mean
it's true
it was sadistic
fun, and cruel
and comfortable
sorry.
i'll explain to you soon
the gleaming new thought process
it's all mostly figured out.
shit,
i'm great
i guess
i never felt so disparaged
and then
i never felt so awesome
and then
i never felt so pretty
and then
i never felt like this.
and so
as my expression of current amalgamated stuff
i bunged some of my recently played songs
up the top
so you can listen to my mind
a shuffled one
not me seeking out my most depressing songs
from the dark depths of a scattered library
i could make one
but that would be bad
did i ever say i hate people?
people can be so hilarious sometimes
and so annoying
and so
faux-everything
and i can be such a dick
especially to anyone who is
smug
or doesn't type full words
in full sentences
or reuses those shitty annoying emoticons
like those transforming lols
now that
should be the crux of my life
and then there's
the impossibility of escaping
acknowledging that
things are schweet
no seriously
let me be calm and collected
it's nicer this way
allowing garnered self-control
my face is dry
grin wavered
the
sleep, starvation and nausea
are tolerable
and get better
without
nightmares, burnt nachos and ..
i should get some breakfast
what am i expected to do right now
that my dear
is a problem
because i have no idea
i find it funny
with little in-jokes with myself
little miss dumped
and i laugh
now to get a harness on everything
only thing is
frig
i was finn
i was mcvet
i don't know though
what those plans were
funniest thing is the recognition
i have right now
not surprised
just here
but it's funny
the dreams are funny
the urges
and the sleeplessness
is funny
the irony
is funny
but then

one can feel dull
the lifelessness creeps in
self-assuring cheerfulness
fades among other things

but then
you remember
you don't forget
and you smile
you're different
i am different
'own your feelings'
she used to say to me
because although i try to relay them
to position my audience
they are my own
right now
i can't
do certain things
watch certain things
see certain things
or think
but i feel a bit free
and bit new
and a bit more alone
but that's okay
it's self-imposed
i can't just burst at the seams
and expect you all to fix me
because otherwise i just take so long to repair
i am patched
i am fine